Being in a failed marriage can feel extremely painful and lonely. It can be very distressing to feel like you are losing the person you have cared about the most. It can take persistence, courage, and determination to save a failed marriage. Most of all, it takes love. After all, it is love that brought the two of you together and if your marriage is going to be restored it will be through rekindling the love you shared.
But what can you do to stop your marriage from ending up in a divorce?
When I see people in my office the first place I start is by identifying simple strategies that have helped others to save a failed marriage.
· First off, it can be easy to begin to see every problem you're experiencing as a result of your spouse's behavior. Try to be clear: is it really a result of their behavior or is it simply the fact that you've gotten into the habit of blaming them for things. An example of something that might really be their fault rather than yours would be if you were subjected to any type of emotional or physical abuse. In that case you have to take immediate action to get the abuse to stop. But if that's not the case try to remember that marriage is a relationship between two partners. Instead of focusing on their faults try to think about ways in which you might have contributed to the problem. Constant blaming and shirking responsibility for your own behavior will only lead to more hurt feelings.
· Secondly, try putting yourself into your partner's shoes. You have to know where they're coming from first before you can understand the way that they're acting. Try to listen to them and understand them first before attempting to get your point across. After all if you feel like someone's really interested your point you're going to be much more interested in listening to what they have to say.
· Third, set a different tone in your relationship. Try using frequent complements and praise, and look for small things to make positive comments about. Apologize if you know you hurt your spouse's feelings inadvertently. Psychologists understand that if you want to change something you're going to have deeper and more lasting change if you use positive reinforcement. This simply means you focus on the change that you would like to see and you call attention to that instead of criticizing and scolding.
· Fourth, try to do some of the small things that will make both your lives easier. Simple acts of thoughtfulness and kindness can go a long way to easing the tension and stress you both feel. The added benefit is that if you've been stuck in a tense standoff this will catch your partner off guard. They'll start to feel like you really do care about them. You'd be surprised at the way in which this will change your marriage for the better.
· Fifth, look for the solutions to problems instead of focusing so much on how the problem started or on who's to blame. If you're always on the lookout for the problem you're never going to see a way around it. Thinking of solutions can also get you into a place where you're working together for the betterment of the relationship instead of focusing on disappointment and failure.
· Finally, start doing things together. People who do things together that are enjoyable begin to associate enjoyment and pleasure with that other person. They will also get you to focus on something other than your problems and provides a distraction. This way you can begin to think about how you enjoy being together and reconnect.
Don't get stuck! Pick a strategy, get started, and keep going. I've often found that when people think they have a failed marriage it's really just that the love they have in common has been neglected. Thinking about how you can save a failed marriage can be the wake-up call that you need.
