By Laura M. Brotherson
Parents spend a lot of time, money and energy trying to figure out what to give their children for their birthday or for Christmas. With Xbox, iPods and cell phones all the rage these days, we often overlook giving children what they deeply want and need the most -- a mother and father who love each other.
Parents who maintain a strong and vibrant marriage set a positive example of working through the inevitable ups and downs of marriage. Having married parents creates a haven of security and well-being from which children can flourish.
The Proclamation on the Family states: "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother..."
President Howard W. Hunter gave this counsel to husbands that also applies to wives: "One of the greatest things a father can do for his children is to love their mother."
President Boyd K. Packer also taught, "The safest place and the best protection against the moral and spiritual diseases is a stable home and family. This has always been true; it will be true forever."
The effects of divorce
Few of us need to read the research to know that marriage matters to children. Most children of divorce struggle with some aspect of their parents not being together anymore, which generally spills into all areas of their life.
To solidify our understanding of the effects of divorce, here are a few of the reasons why the best chance children have to thrive is for their parents to work through their difficulties and maintain a loving marriage relationship:
* Divorce sows lasting inner conflict in children's lives even when their parents did not fight.
* Children of divorce are forced to grow up too fast.
* Already affected by their parents' lack of commitment, children of divorce bring the psychological baggage of brittle emotions and insecurity with them into their own marriages, making it more likely that they themselves will divorce.
* Even after divorce, children still have the need to create a personal identity, which is now connected to two disconnected people. The continuing responsibility to travel between and make sense of two increasingly different adult worlds is no small task for a child.
* Children often lose contact with their fathers.
* Children of divorce feel less protected by parents, and often feel that they must protect their mothers emotionally. They often have to concern themselves with their parents' thoughts, feelings and moods, and adjust their behavior accordingly. They are also much less likely to go to their parents for comfort when they are young, or for emotional support when they are older.
* Even after divorces in low-conflict marriages, children struggle with a range of symptoms -- anxiety, depression, and problems in school -- that they did not previously have. For children, unaware of the waxing and waning cycles of adult unhappiness, divorce is a massive blow that comes out of nowhere.
* Even though adult children of divorce often appear well-adjusted and successful, their childhoods are profoundly scarred by their parents' breakup. Children of divorce must learn to:
-- Worry about child abuse, sexual abuse and kidnapping by the non-custodial parent. -- Worry about their "stuff," because it is often lost in the constant traveling.
-- Wonder about religion and God, owing to the mixed messages they receive from their parents.
-- Become a keeper of secrets, especially those of their parents.
-- Handle a parent's subsequent remarriage and/or divorces.
-- Deal with the ever-changing rosters of parental lovers, relatives, stepparents and stepsiblings.
To counterbalance the negative effects of divorce, research also identifies many benefits of a strong marriage in the lives of children:
* Levels of parental involvement, supervision, monitoring, and closeness are higher in two-biological-married-parent families.
* Marriage provides stronger attachment of fathers to children and protects adolescents from the scourges of addiction, suicide, teen pregnancy, and crime.
* Matrimony also offers increased economic well-being and protection.
* Living with two happily married parents is the best shot a kid has for a successful launch in life.
What kids have to say about divorce
Though the research is astounding regarding the effects of divorce in the lives of children, it is even more interesting to see what children themselves have to say about it. I spoke with a variety of young people (ages 6 -16) to get their "expert" opinion on the matter.
When asked to rate on a scale of 1-10 how important their parents' marriage is in their lives', these young people responded with "10 plus!" "10 or 11," or "10 -- without a doubt!"
When asked why marriage was so important to kids, one teenage girl said that kids need both parents around so they can regularly interact and relate to both a mother and a father to learn different things from each of them.
Another young woman said that having a mother and father provides a more stable and secure environment. She said it helps children to grow up being more confident and self-assured. She shared how some of her friends from broken homes had a harder time "finding themselves" and felt hopeless about their own future success with marriage. One of her friends told her that if her parents couldn't make it work, then there was no way she could.
An 8-year-old girl said the saddest part about divorce for children is that they'd miss the other parent. She also said "sometimes one parent might know more good things for the kids than the other one does."
A young boy said that divorced parents wouldn't have as much time to play with them, so the kids wouldn't feel as loved anymore.
The young men I spoke to could also see the value of having both parents around. One insightful 15-year-old said that kids need the support of both parents, especially to help them through the tough times in a teenager's life.
He felt that kids from broken homes seemed to struggle more with self-confidence, and didn't know how to communicate as effectively with friends and adults.
When asked about this notable observation he said he suspected that the kids had not learned good communication or conflict-resolution skills because they hadn't had that example in the home. Quite a profound insight!
He thought that those kids might not feel as safe to share their true feelings as frequently with their parents, and wouldn't have the in-home practice to work through difficult problems and feelings.
Another young adult I spoke with felt that having parents with a good marriage helped kids learn how to re-create a good marriage themselves in the future. He had a friend whose parents had gotten divorced when he was 18 years old. He said it shook his whole foundation, and especially his confidence in marriage.
His friend began to question many things and hesitated to enter into serious relationships. His friend told him that the sadness, grief and confusion still plagued him even though it had been many years. Life seemed to be much heavier for his friend than for others.
Those I interviewed also had many good suggestions for what parents could do to build a strong marriage, so that parents would be less vulnerable to divorce. The most frequent response was for parents to spend more time together doing things like a date night or even just going to their kids' sporting events.
One teenager said a date night was especially important so that parents could "be alone and forget about all the other stuff!" A few of them said parents should talk to each other more, especially to discuss what they could each do to make their marriage better. One smart little guy simply said parents should "be nice to each other!"
What parents can do to strengthen their marriages
It may seem more merciful to downplay the seriousness of divorce, telling ourselves that most children seem to be "adjusting well" to the situation. Research does show that most children of divorce don't necessarily become depressed, sexually active or high school dropouts who turn to a life of crime, but neither do children come through divorce unscathed.
Certainly no one wants to add to the heartache and heavy burden that single parents already carry. And none of us knows God's plan for another person's earthly education, making it impossible to judge the rightness or wrongness of someone else's experiences.
But with a tender heart toward those who have tasted the pain and bitterness of divorce, the most loving thing we can do, not only for husbands and wives, but also for their children, is to help everyone work to prevent divorce in the first place.
Parents don't set out to destroy their marriage or damage their children through divorce. But there comes a point where parents (often only one of them) no longer see any hope for happiness in their relationship.
At that point of resignation, little thought is given to the effects of divorce on children. Thus, the dire statistics and disheartening research have little impact on parents once they've decided to get out.
The promise of relief is tempting, but there is another way. The following are some thoughts and suggestions for parents who are willing to consider another way -- for their own sake, and for the sake of their children:
* Develop a clear understanding of the true nature and requirements of marriage.
* Give your marriage priority time and attention.
* Become a marriage expert.
* Assume the role of marriage educator.
Develop a clear understanding of the true nature and requirements of marriage
Couples need to know that all marriages will experience inevitable conflicts that can be resolved, but not without some potentially painful, soul-expanding personal growth. The divine designs for marriage require both husband and wife to experience and endure the refiner's fire that occurs within the intimate interactions of a marital relationship.
A marriage counselor can be vital in helping couples through the marital fire. One's willingness to withstand the pain of personal growth is a necessary component for successfully scaling the mountainous terrain of marriage.
In the midst of marital discord it is helpful to know that most marriage partners who work through their challenges find happiness on the other side. More than 60 percent of divorced couples also say they wish they had worked harder to save their marriage.
Give your marriage priority time and attention
Healthy and happy marriages don't happen automatically. They require regular helpings of mental, emotional, spiritual and sexual nourishment in order to thrive. The importance of marriage gets a lot of lip service, but it's the actions that really count.
We may say our marriage is a priority, but without dedicating our time and attention to it -- our talk is cheap!
How many hours in a week do you spend doing those things that make your spouse feel loved and appreciated? Do you know what those things are?
To make your marriage a priority means giving priority time and attention to your spouse -- not leftover time and attention. It may require choosing something to eliminate or adjust in your life in order to make room for your spouse.
Is there one volunteer opportunity to which you could cut back? Is there one television program you could turn off? Could you find a way to come home earlier from work one day a week? Can you adjust your finances to make room for a weekly date night?
Determine what do you need to do to make your spouse feel that they are a priority, and then do it!
Giving your marriage priority time and attention pays big dividends, not only for you and your spouse, but also for your children. It increases your personal happiness, and reduces the likelihood of your children experiencing the pain of divorce.
Become a marriage expert
In the book The Secrets of Happily Married Men, by Scott Haltzman, M.D., he suggests the idea of making marriage one's job or profession. What kind of time and effort went into your education and training to become a doctor or an accountant or teacher?
How can you apply that same effort to increase your knowledge, and improve upon or gain new relationship skills? When a strong marriage is seen as a valued endeavor, any reluctance to invest oneself in gaining additional knowledge and abilities will diminish.
Learn and do those things that make marriages strong and mutually fulfilling. Follow the advice of one of the young adults I interviewed who said the best way to build a strong marriage is to ask each other how to do so.
That was also the advice of a speaker who suggested that if you'd like to have a revelation about your marriage, go home and ask your spouse how you could be a better husband or wife. They will be happy to help you out!
Other ways to develop marriage expertise are to read books and articles, and attend or listen to marriage classes and seminars. Whether you participate in the Sunday School Marriage and Family Relations course or attend marriage education classes at a BYU Education Week, you will be gaining valuable knowledge and skills for your marriage.
Assume the role of marriage educator
Children learn about marriage from their parents -- through word and deed -- whether they like it or not. Directly and indirectly, parents educate their children on all kinds of things about marriage -- communication, commitment, problem solving and even marital intimacy.
I recall a member of a bishopric talking to parents about a Standards Night discussion they would be having with the youth. His poignant remarks hit the heart of every parent in attendance.
He reminded us that youth glean from their parents powerful insights about sex and marriage. He suggested that children look at the state of our marriages and say, "If that's all I have to look forward to, then no thank you!"
With the mindset of a marriage educator, parents can more actively teach and be attentive to the example they set for their children.
When we learn with the intent to teach others, we learn more effectively. Sitting through a marriage seminar will take on whole new meaning when we realize we will be passing the information and skills on to our children either directly or indirectly.
What are your children learning from you about marriage? Do they know how to successfully resolve differences and difficulties? Do they see you being tender and affectionate with each other, and having fun together? Have they seen you hold your tongue when they knew you were upset?
Have they seen you hang in there and work through the tough times, so that they will know it's possible, and be able to do the same within their own marriages? Do your kids know what it looks like for a husband and wife to be best friends?
I am so grateful for the many positive teachings regarding marriage I learned from observing my own parents. They may not have been aware of what they were teaching me, but I learned that problems can be overcome.
I learned about marital kindness, unselfishness and what sacrifice looks like. I learned about looking for the good in others and overlooking their idiosyncrasies. I learned about endurance, patience and commitment.
I suspect their positive-though-not-perfect example has been a grounding force for me to also work through my own challenges and strive to build a strong marriage.
The kind and quality of marriage children can expect for themselves is built upon the kind of marriage they observe and learn from their parents. Parents create the default marriage blueprint in their children.
The young people mentioned above, whose parents were not able to resolve their challenges and divorced, found themselves with little faith in the institution of marriage. They had little hope that they would be successful in creating a strong marriage themselves.
Many studies show the difficulties that children of divorce face in building their own successful marriages, but these challenges too can be overcome.
As parents, we need to do all we can to provide a positive example of the divinity and joy of marriage. We also need to overtly educate and help our children develop the characteristics and skills that build strong marriages.
Affirming examples of happy marriages, to which others may look, are needed in abundant supply. How many mentor-quality marriages do you personally know? With a little bit of fine-tuning, could you and your spouse be included in that category?
Your children need to see your example of a strong and vibrant marriage, but so do the many others who may not have a good example to follow.
One young man told his parents that his friends always hung around their house because they wanted to be where there was a mom and a dad who both seemed to like each other and who got along!
Truly one of the best gifts you can give your children is the example, the security and the well-being that come from having a father and mother in the home who love each other.
