By Laura M. Brotherson
Don't you just love engaged couples?! They walk around hand-in-hand in that wonderful state of blissful ignorance.
It was certainly fun to experience it first hand, but it's kind of fun (in a devious sort of way) to watch newly engaged couples as an experienced onlooker as well. We know full well what lies ahead for the unsuspecting couple.
We're not talking doom and gloom here. It's just that marriage is very much like a surprise grab bag. And unfortunately, many of us are not sufficiently prepared for the inevitable surprises and considerable rigors that await in marriage.
Nature's bliss trick
Engaged couples are so cute, especially since they cannot possibly imagine that they will ever leave their current state of bliss. They faithfully wear their rose-colored glasses, so as to avoid seeing any faults in their beloved.
I like to think of this pre-marital state of being as nature's trick to get two naturally incompatible creatures into the wonderful and necessary adventure we call marriage. Even the most compatible couples are still substantially incompatible within marriage.
It's not that bliss is never again to be had in marriage, but it often comes on the other side of a painful process that may feel like an excavation of the soul.
While I'm all for staying blissfully in love, sometimes it takes a few years of marriage for some of the bliss to wear off enough before we are really ready to learn about marriage.
The ultimate surprise grab bag
Marriage is the ultimate surprise grab bag -- where you never really know what you're going to get. Couples may not realize that within marriage they will discover that their spouse has needs of which neither of them were previously even aware.
Life itself throws a few curveballs to challenge us as well. New demands may be placed on the relationship when a spouse develops a debilitating illness or loses their job. Each must develop new abilities to meet the challenges.
Not understanding marriage as a surprise grab bag leads some to feel they've been cheated. The blinded state of romantic attraction leads us into marriage unaware of what will be required of us in order to obtain an enduring state of peace and happiness.
Many couples complain that what they thought they were getting is not what they ended up with. This is often their excuse for divorce. The fact is that we are all taken aback somewhat by what life and marriage hands us. The sooner we accept that the better.
Personal growth required
If I had to choose just one thing that causes divorce more than anything else, it would be the unwillingness of either spouse to enroll themselves in the painful process of personal growth.
For all couples, once the anesthesia and initial thrill of romantic love wears off, we unexpectedly find ourselves with a new and different person and relationship than we originally thought.
We may even find that we, ourselves, are not who we thought we were. I was completely leveled, for a time, by the experience of postpartum depression. Neither I, nor my poor husband, signed up for such an experience.
We "buy" our marital grab bag with great hopes and expectations, believing all will be well. If we exercise faith, we can know that all things (even difficult things) will give us experience, and be for our ultimate good (see Doctrine and Covenants 122:7).
It's a wise part of the divine design that our grab bag comes with a "no-return policy," so that we will hang in there through the tough times, and learn what the experience came to teach us.
Couples must understand the greatest joy and happiness comes from successfully enduring the mountain climbs of life, not by avoiding them, for they will surely be back -- though often in different packaging.
Marriage is central to God's plan
While there is much we can do individually to develop ourselves mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially and physically, the committed, vulnerable and intimate relationship of marriage provides opportunities for growth that may not be available any other way.
Marriage is central to God's eternal plan for good reason -- it is designed as one of the great purifiers of the soul. Marriage holds the potential for life's greatest bliss, but blissful moments are mixed in with a lot of soul-expanding personal growth.
In designing marriage, God not only provided for the fulfillment of our deepest longings for intimate connection, but also coupled it with some of our greatest struggles to drive us toward wholeness -- toward becoming our authentic, divine selves.
Toward wholeness
Wholeness might be described as a quest for perfection. Personal wholeness requires multi-dimensional development in the areas of mental, emotional, spiritual, social and sexual functioning. These are necessary foundations for oneness in marriage.
This perfection or completion of the soul is perfectly orchestrated in the adventure of marriage. In order to live in happiness and harmony with our companion, we are required to smooth off our rough edges, to overcome our sins and weaknesses, to develop our un- or underdeveloped capacities, and to become fully alive and fully functioning.
Maybe that's why nature's anesthesia is needed to get us to sign up for such a grueling self-improvement course.
Even those who drop out of one such "self-development course" soon find themselves eager to sign up for another. Sticking with the coursework until the end seems to be the problem.
Inspiring marital efforts
I've recently been so inspired by many who have shared their difficult marital journeys, and more importantly, their awe-inspiring efforts to turn to God and focus on changing themselves instead of belaboring their spouses' failings.
In particular, I am thinking of the many husbands who find themselves living in a sexual desert in their marriages even after trying for many years to improve the situation.
I'm sure none of these husbands could have imagined that their affectionate wives could turn cold toward physical affection. This is an unfortunate common surprise for many husbands. It comes as a surprise to wives as well.
In an ongoing conversation on the Open Forum of my Strengthening Marriage Blog, one husband shared his trying situation, which is similar to the many others who are without hope of a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with their wives. He writes:
"I too have decided that I need to 'give up on the dream' of a relationship that I find fully fulfilling, turn it over to the Lord in prayer, and just try to be the best husband that I can. It has taken me years to get to this point. I do feel calmer most of the time than in the years before where I was often on the edge of being able to function. It is better now than when I would try REALLY hard to do everything possible and then emotionally crash when my hope was shattered. I do still try hard to be a good husband, but I don't expect anything from it anymore. I do it because I am deeply in love with my dear wife, in spite of everything. One other thought that buoys me up is knowing that Satan is trying his best to use our sexual disconnect to drive a wedge into my marriage. I need to keep doing everything I can to keep that from happening, but it's not easy."
We all know how easy it is to blame our spouse for our unhappiness, especially when we feel justified. But this is part of the process of taking on the unexpected challenges that come our way, by turning to God and allowing the refining fire of personal growth to change us.
Worth the price
Some who have not yet entered the adventure of marriage stand at the sidelines longing to trade in their current pain of loneliness for the joys that marriage affords. They are temporarily blinded to the inherent costs connected to marital bliss.
Others stand outside the fire with fear and trepidation at the thought of all that marriage entails, not understanding that the treasure is more than worth the price. Nothing can compare to the peace, joy and ecstasy available in marriage, but neither will anything exact such a price.
Others have entered the adventure of marriage, but they are unaware of how to move from the initial high of romantic love, through the fire of personal and couple growth to transform their relationship into mature love and intimate ONEness.
Many good souls choose to exit the difficult drama unaware that it is designed to lead them to the very things they seek -- peace, love, happiness, enduring bliss. They may find new short-term bliss, but when children are involved the collateral damage of divorce is difficult to overcome.
Others hang in there, but check out emotionally. They go through the motions of marriage just enough to get by. Of the couples who stay married, the majority are unfortunately in this languishing state of a mediocre, parallel marriage.
Accepting the unexpected challenges in marriage, and focusing our efforts on our own personal growth can stop the divorces, and stop the parallel marriages. Trading in the temporary bliss for enduring love exacts a high price of us all. But it is eternally worth it.
